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I finally have a TV and cable subscription this year so I’ve been watching a lot of commercials.  Because it’s been a while since I’ve had to sit through commercials, some of this stuff might be really obvious.

• THE VOLUME IS SET AT one higher than 10.

I can tell when there’s a commercial even when it’s on in the background while I’m cooking because the volume suddenly gets REALLY LOUD.   I know that a bill has already been passed that regulates the volumes of commercials, but so far nothing much seems to have changed.

People in commercials remind me of Ralphie from The Simpsons.

People in commercials seem incapable of using blankets, cracking eggs properly, and other pretty simple tasks.  It’s a good thing we have all these super useful gadgets to save us from the trouble of using our brain and our motor skills!

You suck (especially if you’re a woman).

Are you too fat?  Are your lashes too thin?  Are you actually human and getting wrinkles?  Are your buns and thighs not shapely enough without our special, super shoes?  Are your breasts not large enough?  (Can you imagine if men’s underwear were padded the way that women’s bras are? — I can’t take credit for this actually; my partner came up with that idea first.)  Well, it’s probably because you’re not good enough and you need to buy something.

Dudes, you need to buy your woman some bling.   Ladies, your man needs to buy you some bling.

During the holidays, I saw a huge uptick in jewelry ads.  It’s nice to be reminded every couple of minutes that my boyfriend doesn’t care about me unless I get something shiny for Christmas.  It still blows my mind that a lot of people buy into the big shiny ring thing.  The history of the diamond industry definitely shows how powerful marketing can be.

Alrighty.  I should stop before I get any snarkier.